I’ve dated a few men who lied about their age, which makes for a curious and unsteady start to a relationship. We meet on an app. His profile says that he’s in his 40s, and he looks a little rough around the edges, but I tell myself that life takes a toll. Maybe he is in his 40s, like he claims. When we meet, he not only looks like he is well into his 50s, but he acts like an older man. He’s calmer than my peers. He’s more poised, and he seems to be moving toward retirement—selling his business, purchasing a condo on Hilton Head, helping his adult children get settled in their careers. I think to myself, “Has he shaved 6 years off his age? 8 years? 10 years?”
I enjoy dating older men. They often offer me time, experience, and perspective that a man my age can’t. Some of my most enriching romantic relationships were with men significantly older—all of whom were forthright about their age. Of course, fibbing about one’s age is a way to manipulate the Bumble algorithm and meet younger women, but it quickly becomes problematic. Age matters little to me, but truthfulness is paramount. So, when I wind up on a first date where I suspect a white lie or two, I feel insecure. It’s as if I am on shifting ground, wondering what untruths might emerge down the road. If he’s willing to lie to me about his age, might he deceive me in other ways as well?
Straight up lies—even small ones—trouble me. Withholding truth also creates unease and stilted interactions. More than once, I have found myself in a relationship where I suspect that the guy I am involved with is keeping something in the shadows. Communication is murky and clipped because he’s holding back and I am unable to pinpoint the issue. My anxiety rises in proportion to his annoyance. I feel unsafe, and the relationship eventually implodes. Inevitably, I learn that my boyfriend had been hiding essential information from me, though not technically lying. The mechanism is different, but the effects are nonetheless detrimental.
Regardless of one’s gender, it takes courage to meet a stranger for a drink. Every time I do it, I give myself a pat on the back. And as I inch up in age, I doubt myself less. When I’m on a date and sense dishonesty, I pause. Sometimes I know instantly that there will not be a next date. Other times, I proceed with awareness. Dating can be rough. I aim to extend grace, and I am open to knowing his truth.